quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize