I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
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you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
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I AM VODKA MAN
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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