I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
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Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
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Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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