You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
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sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
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I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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