tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
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She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
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Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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