Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
this beer tastes like vomit already
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
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why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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