Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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