All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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