The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
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why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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