Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
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The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
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I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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