she smelled like a LAN party
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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