fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize