she looked like the before picture.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
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Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
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I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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