Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
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hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
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His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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