just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
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Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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