Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
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Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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