i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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