Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
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I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
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I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm determined to sit on that face.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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