He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
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why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
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But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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