I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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