4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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