all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
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