at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
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I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
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he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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