Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
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I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
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I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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