My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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