the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
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I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
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and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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