He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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