now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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