The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
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on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
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truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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