Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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