i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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