I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
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I stole a fireplace last night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
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I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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