You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
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Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
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You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
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