you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
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His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
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I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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