This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What happened to fro yo and sex?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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