i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
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Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
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if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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