I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
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I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
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Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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