Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
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Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
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i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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