i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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