so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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