Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize