M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
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All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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