Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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