So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I have tasted many bathrooms
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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