what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
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What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
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I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
When are your genitals available?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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