Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
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I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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