I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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