So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
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I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
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You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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