I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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