wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize